Wednesday, 6 August 2014

Anxiety Strikes - Again!

Some of you may know that I suffer from Generalised Anxiety Disorder

Most of the time it is manageable, this time around it isn't.

This time I had a breakdown.

This time I have had no choice but to go back on the medication to try and help keep it at bay. 

It wasn't one thing that caused it this time around, it was a mixture of things, building up over a period of time. Things ranging from Cameron constant wheeze, Lucas's early birth, harassment from a so called professional setting to silly things that everyone worries about like money and Tax Credits messing up (again)

All these problems and worries as an old colleague used to say to me, 'caused too many cracks in the egg shell' and I broke. 

I think I first realised that I was having problems was when I was up my Mum's about a month ago. Lucas had just got over a cold and had a bit of a cough. I was cooking tea and a friend said 'Oh he has a bit of a cough' Cue instant anxiety from me that he must have wheeze like Cameron. 

It feels so silly writing this now but at the time, my anxiety spiralled out of control, I couldn't concentrate on anything, I let my Mum take over, went out into the garden and cried. 

Turns out Lucas didn't have wheeze, he had a cough, deep down I knew it was the anxiety talking. 

As the days went on, I found myself more and more exhausted every day through worrying and soon I found that I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. 

From that moment on I knew I was in trouble. I knew that the anxiety was taking over and I was powerless to stop it. 

I knew I wouldn't be able to fight it this time, so I rang my Dr to go back on the medication. She sorted a prescription out for me and sent it to the chemist. 

The day after (last Friday) I finally well and truly broke. I couldn't think straight, composing a sentence was almost impossible and I just spent the whole day in tears. Trying to fight my anxiety demons and loosing the fight terribly. 

I even decided on that day to quit blogging as the anxiety of getting out posts was contributing to how I was feeling. I even sent a tweet out to set it in stone. I desperately needed the problems and worries to go so I could heal and feel well again. 

I even asked my Mum if she could have Cameron that night for me. Parenting is the one thing I can do consistently even when I am having problems with anxiety, but I didn't want him to see me in such a state. I wanted him to go somewhere he could have lots of fun. 

Since that night, I have told myself I will get through this, it is not permanent and I need to just give myself time to heal. 

The general anxiety is reducing slowly, but I am now having anxiety attacks. Yesterday I got so anxious about what was in the post, I began having palpitations and I actually thought I was going to faint! Why am I so worried about that? I have no idea, but something inside me is worried. 

I have for some reason also become afraid of cars!!! I trust Matt 100% with driving and he is a very safe driver, however whilst we were out in the car the other day I had an anxiety attack. I just couldn't wait to get out of the car. I think I was worried it was going to break and I have become obsessed with the tyres. I even made Matt check the psi on the tyres before we made our journey home. Turns out they were all fine but they looked flat to me. 

The thing is with Generalised Anxiety Disorder is that whilst you may know what triggers the anxiety, you then become anxious about absolutely everything. Even things that you would never worry about in a normal situation. 

So here I am again. Fighting myself and this stupid anxiety! Trying to feel normal again! 

I will get there. EVENTUALLY! 

11 comments:

  1. Aww! You will get through this! Massive hugs to you! xxxx

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  2. Sending you hugs and positive vibes xx I have previously suffered depression ad panic attacks and while it's been a number of years now, I'm so aware of it and wouldn't wish it on anyone. I hope you are feeling better soon xx

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  3. I hope you are able to overcome these attacks and find something inside you to concentrate on when you think your having or might have an attack. I can't say I know how you feel cause I don't but I'm here if you wanna chat etc

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  4. Hi Laura, I had wondered why you weren't hosting #WeekendBlogHop on your blog and I know why!

    Anxiety attacks are no laughing matter. I can't handle too many people at once or crowds, I get palpitations and giddiness at the thought of going anywhere there are a lot of people. And would rather starve then go grocery shopping when it's busy. Luckily being an early bird means I can go shopping first thing, but if we need a big shop or it's busy I drag my husband along for support.

    I wish you all the best and hope that you start to feel strong again soon and manage to get back off the medication too!



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  5. Hi. This is such a brave post to write. I have suffered with severe recurring depression since my early 20s. Most of the time I am fine. But sometimes it strikes. And as you say, it is normally because all the little things mount up and become the end of the world. I remember one time when my depression was bad being completely panicked about which breakfast I had. As though my life would be hopeless if I ate toast rather than porridge. Ludicrous!!! But there is no rhyme and reason when you feel like this. You can't rationalise things.

    Please be kind to yourself and do little things that make you feel happy - read a magazine, have a bath or go for a long walk. Anything that will put a smile on your face (even for a second.) And do not worry about being on medication. I tried coming off anti-depressants years ago. I was fine for a while and then got very ill again. I now know that it is always better for me to be on something as it keeps me balanced. I really hope you feel much better soon. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

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  6. im sorry you have been having a tough time. i can really relate to this post as ive been struggling recently with worrying about everything and anything recently, its exhausting and not fun. im looking at ways to work through some stuff at the min. thanks for sharing this post x #WeekendBlogHop

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  7. I know exactly how you are feeling! I also suffer with GAD I also suffer with SAD - So this time of year with weather changes my SAD then sparks my GAD and I turn into a strange to myself. It is horrible. I have a blog but because of my GAD and a rather nasty person leaving a comment It is always unpublished! Like a place where I talk to myself! I recently did a long post about GAD aswell! So you are not alone.I hope you feel better soon and "normal" xxx

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  8. So sorry to hear that :( I hope you feel better soon xx

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  9. I really hope you feel better soon, it's not a nice thing for anyone to have to go through.

    Jenna at Tinyfootsteps xx

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  10. i hoe you feel better soon, Im a natural born worrier and current stresses are making me ten times worse, I know how i feel so this must be a difficult time for you, sending some rainbows, hugs, puppies and kittens your way!

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  11. Huge hugs. I hope you start to feel a lot better soon. I have had a lot of problems with panic / anxiety over the years too and it isn't an easy thing to deal with. I have done psychotherapy which I found very helpful. I also did an anxiety management course which I got on through my GP which again was very useful and I have had a friend who did a whole course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to deal with his GAD which helped him in a really big way. This is a really good post as when I was at my worst, I just couldn't talk about it or admit it to anyone and I felt so alone with it. By posting something so honest, it makes people realize that many people have anxiety issues. I hope you manage to find something that works for you and start on the road to recovery again.

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Thank you for taking the time to read my post. Feel free to leave a comment, I love comments, they make my day! And I will try my best to respond to all comments x